What is Discernment Counseling

One of you wants to fix the marriage. The other isn't sure they want to be in it anymore.

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This is the hardest place a couple can be. You can't move forward because one of you hasn't decided whether to stay. You can't do couples therapy because it only works when both people are committed. And you can't keep going the way things are because it's destroying both of you.

 

I'm Dr. Jene Verchick, a licensed clinical psychologist with over 26 years of experience. Discernment counseling is how I help couples in exactly this situation.

How It Works

Discernment counseling is not couples therapy. It's shorter (one to five sessions), and the goal is not to fix the marriage. The goal is to help you decide what to do next.

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There are three possible outcomes:

- **Stay the course.** Keep things as they are.
- **Separate or divorce.** End the marriage with clarity, not in a moment of anger.
- **Commit to trying.** Both partners agree to six months of real couples therapy, with divorce off the table.

 

Each session is about 90 minutes. We start together, then I meet with each of you separately. That's where the real honesty happens. Then we come back together and talk about what's possible.

Why Regular Therapy Doesn't Work Here

You've probably tried. Maybe you sat through sessions where one of you was going through the motions while the other was doing all the work. Maybe the therapist kept pushing both of you to "communicate better" when the real problem was that one of you had already checked out.

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Couples therapy requires both people to show up fully. If one of you hasn't decided whether to stay, that's not possible. Discernment counseling meets you where you actually are instead of pretending you're somewhere you're not.

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If You're The One Thinking About Leaving

You're not a bad person for wanting out. And agreeing to discernment counseling is not agreeing to stay. It's agreeing to think clearly before making a decision you can't undo.

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I won't try to talk you out of leaving. I won't guilt you. I won't side with your partner. What I will do is ask you questions that help you understand what's really driving your desire to go. Sometimes it's the right call. Sometimes the exhaustion is masking something that can still be reached. You won't know until someone helps you look.

If You're The One Who Wants To Stay

You're scared. You feel powerless. You want to fight for the marriage but everything you try pushes your partner further away.

Here's what I want you to know: pressuring your partner into therapy doesn't work. But inviting them into a short, structured process where no one is forced to commit to anything? That works more often than you'd expect.

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Say this: "Can we do one session with someone who helps couples figure out what they want? Just one. If you don't find it useful, we stop."

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One session is a much easier yes than six months of therapy. 

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What I Bring to This

I've been working with couples at the breaking point for over 26 years. Here's what matters:

I don't take sides. I don't have an agenda. I'm not trying to save your marriage or end it. I'm trying to help you both see clearly so you can make a decision you won't regret.

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I'm direct. This is not the time for open-ended exploration. You're running out of patience and possibly out of time. I tell you what I see.

And I understand the person with one foot out the door. Most therapists unconsciously side with the partner who wants to stay. That makes the other person feel trapped. I make sure they feel heard. That's often what changes things.

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What Clients Say

"I was done. Completely done. I agreed to one session just so I could say I tried everything. Dr. Verchick didn't try to convince me to stay. She just asked me questions nobody had asked before. By the third session, I realized I wasn't done with the marriage. I was done with the version of the marriage we'd been having." -- Beverly Hills

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"My husband told me he wanted a divorce on a Tuesday. By Friday, I'd found Dr. Verchick. For the first time in months, I felt like someone understood what I was going through without telling me to just fight for the marriage. She helped us slow down enough to make a real decision instead of a reactive one." -- Manhattan Beach

 

"We had tried couples therapy twice. Both times, my wife sat there with her arms crossed. Discernment counseling was different. Dr. Verchick didn't ask her to engage. She asked her to be honest. That was the first time my wife told the truth about where she was." -- Encino

 

"We chose to divorce. But we chose it together, clearly, after a real process. Our kids saw two parents making a hard decision with respect instead of tearing each other apart." -- Calabasas

Frequent Asked Questions About Discernment Counseling

How many sessions does it take?
Usually one to five-eight. This is not open-ended. The goal is a decision.

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What happens if we choose to try?
We transition into couples therapy, with both partners fully committed and divorce off the table.

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What if my partner won't come?
I can start with you alone. Sometimes that's the first step toward getting them in the room.

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Is this different from mediation?
Yes. Mediation divides assets after you've decided to split. Discernment counseling helps you decide whether to split at all.

 

How is this different from regular couples therapy?
Couples therapy asks you to work on the marriage. Discernment counseling asks whether you want to. You can't do the first until you've answered the second.